Ya’ll gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here

How frustrating life has become….2013 has been nothing but a roller coaster of emotions, disaster, and temporary relief from social/work conflicts.

2014 I look upon you with a cynical gaze…with only a slightest gleam of anticipation of what may be under way.

After eight years in a destructive, toxic workplace…I jumped into a new job..taking a plunge and changing me forever. After one year, I took another plunge and left for their competitor..not because I was unhappy..really it was because I had been manipulated to leave with others who said it was like jumping off a sinking ship in the market before its too late.

However, I am super unhappy. The people I encounter are of a most undesirable character….cold, unfriendly, aggressive, false, cut throat, and the men [especially the married ones] are always inappropriate and flirtatious, even with their own wives in the workplace..[I have been verbally/physically harassed as a female in the work place since I was 16 years old..and it only gets worse with age. The one time i reported along with a witness was a severe case only…he was given a light slap of 2 week suspension. I quit the next day. I have little faith of protection in the workplace now. ] Still, out of all this mess I managed to meet a few gems and gain a few wonderful friendships out of this work atmosphere.

I’m in debt with a bachelors degree to pay off..as wel as bills, credit cards, plus my husband’s debts…with marriage everything is a shared fate. Otherwise…if I had no debt..I’d be back in school..forever lol. I love learning and constantly being challenged. I can never seem to choose my place in the world. I wish it was easy…like if I was only interested in one thing or only good at one thing…well then..haha I wouldn’t have a choice, would I?

I think maybe I can rough it out with this company. i know that I can eventually make a higher wage, but at what cost? Definitely seems like it would take ten years with the company to get there….and i think it might consume whatever soul/spirit I have left from this experience….it might change me for the worst..and what about time to have kids [if I can even have any….after one year of trying, theres still nothing]….or a house..or some roots to put down solid. Do I really have ten years to wait on an “if”?

The only other options are to find something that pays similar if not more…..

There’s the idea of trying lateral entry teaching…It scares me though…I feel like I need to be brave and man up! I’m always scared of change and failing….yet I get to a breaking point where I am taken advantage at every job…

I’m the person who does all the work, but never gets the title or pay….everyone will admit I do it all and that I’m underpaid…even my boss apologized to me twice about my current pay…and always promising me a raise…yet gives me praise instead

Sorry, but not sorry. I’m only holding out until something better comes along…whether its a new job or my dream of starting a family

I’m going to be 27 this year. Depending on whose reading this..I’m either your age or your older..or your younger….Even at the life experience that I am at..believe me, I have met people twice my age and made a few friends….age measures time on this earth and that is all. Each individual has an unique experience and perception of those experiences in their life that can lead to a greater fulfillment and enrichment of their life….or not…and sometimes age has nothing to do with it lol. Sometimes its rather their personality and the spirit at heart that defines the choices and ultimately the wisdom one partakes in this life.

Anyhow….i will be 27. I do not want to waste any years…there is no promise of tomorrow..and though I do expect to grow old and gray with my husband. I must live as if time is running out on me…so that I can make sure that we take extra effort to enjoy, love, and do what’s best..I will not wait for the future to arrive…I will meet it head on…pushing through the entanglement of red tape, corporate jargon, and silly social expectations ….instead relishing in the most important thing in my life..living a life full of passion with the ones I love…and showing that love to them every day. I will have my bad days..sad days, angry days, self-loathing..pitying crying in the pillow days….But I will be back on my feet strong once more. I want to be remembered for my heart, my love, and my actions.

Saying goodbye to people and parts in your life..life dead-end careers or toxic/destructive people…it’s hard to do. But everyone can find the strength to do it…any time is the best time…..

my 2014 resolution is to learn how to let go and go with the flow….try to go with change…The world is trying to make me into a bitter, resentful adult…But I want to keep this inner child of good faith, love, and wonder….