Friday Nights

I worked. I made some amazing nachos thanks to the local cheese dip I purchased. I only bought 5 items to make these nachos..$34 dollar nachos ..ugh* facepalm 

Tonight- alone I’m listening to my silly spotify project- to make the saddest playlist of all time. A dangerous playlist to create because it might just end in tears. I don’t know why it amuses me or makes me laugh every time I think of this playlist. I guess its because most playlists are just songs of the moment, infatuation, joyful pieces or used for work, exercise, etc. I wanted to create a playlist of the most heartfelt music that I’ve experienced in movies, my childhood, growing up, college, and my taste influenced by people in my life as well mirroring our memories etc. 

I included my mom and dad’s wedding song “Time in a bottle”. I included songs that Michael and I have cried together to like the song I sung in his ear during an evening picnic or the one that reminds us of our unborn children. The song my sister, Amber, gave me when I was a lost, wandering soul in college. Songs I’d sing on top of my parents’ coffee table in the living room [when they were not home, it wasn’t allowed]..or the songs that would play on my radio cradled in my lap as I leaned my face close breathing in the music for hours after getting home from middle/high school. A song that reminds me of my brother’s illness. The song my sister, Karissa, played on an out of tune, antique piano after all the wedding guests had left the house where Amber’s wedding took place. Songs about failed relationships- between lovers, parent & child, friends etc. The classical song my sister liked to hear on a cassette tape before going to sleep. Songs from movies that made me cry. A song that mimics the speed at which life and time passes. Melancholy songs that seem to warm/comfort, slap you on the back, and push whisky down your throat all at once.

It might not be the saddest playlist of all time- But i think its the saddest playlist of my “time” on this Earth thus far.

I might read after I’ve finished listening.

I’ll wash my face, put on my pjs, and sleep soundly.

Tomorrow will be breakfast with friends and then heading into work. I really look forward to mondays, tuesdays, or wednesdays…because usually I get time off work and then Im almost always spending time with Michael 🙂

I wish I had my family albums to look at right now- to see all my siblings as kids, memories of summers in Ohio..I don’t know why..I just want to see my life, our lives…spread in pictures, memories that were once alive, breathing, real.. reality with no sight of the future that would unfold before us ..remembering how I felt in every moment never knowing years later i would be holding the only remaining memory of that reality that has faded and then disappeared as quickly as a candle’s lost flame. And one day in the future I will look on this moment and those that follow with the same fondness and sadness that go hand in hand with remembering.

“Yesterday when I was young,
The taste of life was sweet as rain upon my tongue,
I teased at life as if it were a foolish game,
The way the evening breeze may tease a candle flame;
The thousand dreams I dreamed,
The splendid things I planned
I always built, alas,
on weak and shifting sand;
I lived by night and shunned the naked light of day
And only now I see how the years ran away.

* Yesterday, when I was young,
So many happy songs were waiting to be sung,
So many wayward pleasures lay in store for me
And so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see,

I ran so fast that time and youth at last ran out,
I never stopped to think what life was all about
And every conversation I can now recall concerned itself with me, and nothing else at all.

Yesterday the moon was blue,
and every crazy day brought something new to do,
I used my magic age as if it were a wand,
and never saw the waste and emptiness beyond;
The game of love I played with arrogance and pride
and every flame I lit too quickly, quickly died;
The friends I made all seemed somehow to drift away
And only I am left on stage to end the play.
There are so many songs in me that won’t be sung,
I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue,
The time has come for me to pay for Yesterday
When I was Young.”